What’s something you’ve forgiven but haven’t forgotten?
When I was 17 and it was my senior year of high school my mom decided that we were going to move right in the middle of my school year.
She had recently divorced, met a new man, eloped, and then said, “we’re moving across the states.”
I was so incredibly upset and I was so mad at her. I didn’t move with her. I decided to move in with my dad who I hadn’t lived with since I was 8.
I was so hurt. I felt abandoned, betrayed, and just……she didn’t choose me.
That was hard.
When I lived with my dad and stepmom, once I graduated high school I was encouraged to move out. They found me a place to live and I was officially living on my own at 18. But they were paying for my rent so I guess I was suppose to be okay with that.
Again though, now I felt abandoned all over again by my dad and not chosen once again.
I felt so alone. I was drinking and getting drunk every single weekend.
It was so hard. Just writing this makes me feel the hurt all over again in a way. I was just so lonely, insecure, no self love, and really confused so much more. Didn’t have a relationship with God, ultimately so lost.
I repressed so much of that pain, thought I was actually happy but all of that resurfaced when I became a Mother. I became angry. So freaking angry. I remember holding my newborn daughter and I had this moment……I was holding her just staring at my beautiful girl, I looked up right at mom and without even thinking I said, “I could never do to her what you did to me. You just left me.” Silence as we both just held each other’s eye contact.
I felt all bad afterwards because then she started crying and it became this whole thing.
And I told my dad too how I couldn’t believe he basically kicked me out too when I was younger later down the line.
Since then my parents have both apologized to me and I have grown so so so so much. I hold no resentment. I understand more, I’ve given grace, I have forgiven.
But there is definitely a scar there that I notice every so often that i forgot about it…..like now for example. And that is okay. I can and have found all the beauty that has come from this.
Had I not moved in with dad and had I not moved out at 18 I would not have met my husband and have the children that I do. My path has been blessed this whole time and I recognize it. I’ve never been alone and this knowing…….just……you know…..makes me want to cry. I’ve always been loved.
I am incredibly blessed and so grateful. Thank you for reading.
