Tag: adoptee

Still Waiting for a Sign

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Sometimes I wish she’d visit me in a dream.

Just once.

Just to say, “Hey, I know we didn’t get to be together in the earthly realm, but it was all for a reason. Just know I’m with you, and it’s all okay.”

I’ve heard stories from others about feathers on their doorstep, songs on the radio at just the right time, vivid dreams where their loved ones speak clearly. I try to hold space for those stories, to feel joy for them…

but I can’t help wondering—why not me?

I lost my birth mother, and along with her, a lifetime of moments we never got to share. There’s a quiet ache that comes from not getting to know someone who shaped your very beginning. Now that she’s in the spirit world, part of me longs for just one sign. One dream. One whisper.

But there’s only silence.

And yet… maybe that silence doesn’t mean absence.

Maybe the connection is still there, just not in the way I expected.

Maybe she’s been with me all along when I’ve felt courage I didn’t know I had, or grace that came out of nowhere. I’m apart of her, I know that, and getting to know me is getting to know her too.

Still, I hope.

I hope that one night, maybe in a dream, she’ll say what my heart has longed to hear:

“I see you. I’ve always loved you. And even though we couldn’t be together in this life…..your path, it’s unfolding exactly as it should.”

Until then, I’ll keep listening.

And I’ll keep trusting that love finds a way,

even in the quiet.

Finding Wholeness In YOUR Story – Your Trauma

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Traumas in your life are the very difficult emotions that you processed alone.

Reread that, and think about that for a moment.

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A trauma that I have been healing from for the past couple of years now has been my adoption story.

I was adopted into a family with no connection to any of my biological relatives. I felt incredibly alone for many, many years. Discussing my adoption was taboo; it was as if I were an apple tree trying to grow in an orange grove, and nobody ever acknowledged that I was, indeed, different.

It wasn’t until 29 years later that I met any of my biological family. That’s 29 years of trying to process everything by myself. It’s been a journey—a lifelong one—and it still is.

When I had my own child, I truly believed I could finally put my adoption story behind me. I thought I wouldn’t feel so alone anymore. And, in a way, having my daughter did bring healing, but only temporarily.

Then, when my daughter was 10 months old, we fostered and later adopted my sister-in-law’s daughter, who was just one year old at the time. While fostering her, so many repressed emotions resurfaced—emotions I had buried deep within myself for decades. They came flooding back, sending me into a depression. I couldn’t escape my story. I couldn’t escape myself. I couldn’t escape “adoption/adoptee/adopted” And I hated it.

I didn’t want to feel this pain anymore, but I had no idea what to do. I just knew I could no longer ignore this. Now having a new type of adoption story with actually adopting I knew this had to be dealt with. And I knew if I wanted to be the mother that I wanted to be to my children then I had work to do.

Eventually, I surrendered and accepted that this really was a part of my identity—not my whole self, but a huge part of me. And that’s when the healing journey began.

The traumas we experience cannot be erased, but we can learn how to identify and understand them. Only then can we begin to heal from them.

One way to begin healing is by acknowledging what you went through, validating your experience, and sharing it with others. It’s not enough to think about it in silence. You need to talk about it. Take what’s swirling in your mind and articulate it into words.

For years, I thought I was alone, but I’ve learned through my own journey that I never really was. I’ve also learned how many people out there suffer in silence, just as I did.

I want you to know: You are not alone. There’s so much strength in sharing your truth, in finding connection through the pain. Healing doesn’t mean erasing your story; it means finally allowing yourself to be seen, to be heard, and to be whole.

Dear Readers, My Birth Mom Passed Away

The Wild Gems2 Comments

My birth mom passed away. It’s been a week now. It’s lead to an indescribable type of grief that I feel very alone in if I’m honest. And I feel compelled to just release some of the things that I’m feeling at the moment.

My aunt (my birth mom’s sister) texted me last Wednesday telling me that she had passed. I had never met her. That wasn’t my choice. I’ve been wanting to meet her my whole life and I actually almost did last spring but it just didn’t happen because she had somewhere to be apparently. Who knows what the full truth is. I can feel I’m not being told everything. I know she was mentally unstable. Suffered from schizophrenia. But how she died seems to be unknown. She checked into the hospital for something, was there for a few weeks, and passed “with family by her side”.

I was really upset at first, clearly I still am. My birth mom was in the hospital for a few weeks and my aunt didn’t tell me? The opportunity to meet the woman who birthed me is gone and it breaks my heart.

All of this pain as being an adoptee has resurfaced I don’t even know how to handle it. I just keep crying. I never knew any biological family until I turned 29. I always felt so completely alone growing up.

I haven’t even told my adoptive parents that my birth mom has passed because it’s just going to make them uncomfortable and they’ll probably say I’m sorry and that’s about it.

When I told them I had found biological family on ancestry there was no happiness for me. There was fear. Never have they ever really talked to me about how I felt being adopted. But they didn’t know, I know that. I was just a grateful child who hid the wounds very very well.

Having adopted two children (my niece and nephew on my husband’s side) I will be a different parent. Their wounds will get the oxygen they need. And I will help them find answers.

I’m just sad right now. I’m just really really sad and another adoptee told that I’m experiencing disenfranchised grief. Basically it’s a grief that’s not understood or validated.

It’s lonely. It’s lonely to want to share this with more people in my life but they won’t get it but also I think…I don’t want to share because I’m not ready to fully reveal how much I’ve been holding in and for so long. Plus I can’t talk about this without crying.

I think that’s why I love this blog world so much. I can be so raw and just let it out. And no one close is going to read this because hardly anyone I know reads my stuff, and if they even do they never say anything.

And if you just read this, wow, thank you. Thank you for hearing me for a moment. Thank you for letting me cry and share.

To be a grown up and still this lost at times and here I am raising children…..

How do you guide children when you aren’t even sure of the way,

Ps – I do have a picture now of my birth mom when she was probably about 18. My youngest daughter has her eyes. They’re so beautiful.

You Are A Sacred Gift

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There’s a book I just began reading called, “A Child Of The Native Race.” A story of woman who was born to an Indian family but taken away at 18 months old and raised by a white family. It’s a story of returning to her roots.

In her dedication the author Sandy White Hawk says this,

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Even if we came into this world in the worst of circumstances.

We are not that circumstance; we were sacred when we were born

separate from the hardship that surrounded us.

Our life is good and has a purpose.”

“

This quote above really resonated with me in such a way. I don’t know that I can fully put into words.

It resonated with me because of my own adoption story and discovering my roots and finding my biological family. And it resonated because of my daughter, and her adoption story.

And currently, we are fostering my nephew, who we plan on adopting.

It is sad? The circumstance? In a way, yes, yes it is. And that should be acknowledged. But it is also a gift as well in it’s own way. And the gift may not be recognized until many years later (I can testify to that). This quote above affirms what I already know. That each of us are sacred, no matter how we entered this world. No matter the circumstance in which we are born into.

When we enter into this world we couldn’t be anymore pure. Each of us, first born, are so full of life, curiousity, adventure. It is the world, the pressures, the fears, the power and greed that work to steal us away from who we are. We become confused, afraid, and we feed ourselves lies.

Listen to me….

We are sacred gifts. We are miracles. We are love. You must never forget that. Never forget how significant you are. Never doubt your capabilities. You are chosen. That is the truth.

Forgive others. Forgive yourself.

Many of us DO enter this world through challenging circumstances. But how we come into this place does not define who we are. We are still chosen to be here, despite the troubles that may surround us. And we will find our way.

Lean not on your own understanding.

Live your days recognizing the gifts that surround you. Remind others that they are treasure. Help others to see how remarkable they are. We are never alone on our journey.

Discussing and sharing is healing and it’s connecting.

Lots of love always.

– m.g.