Dear Readers: I Can’t Sleep

Sometimes I have nights like this.

Where I just sit awake while the rest of my family sleeps soundly. It’s so quiet right now. Any movement seems to leave an echo. Typically when these kinds of nights happen it’s because I have so much on my mind. My brain just can’t digest all these thoughts and feelings. Anxiety is looking for attention.

I brought this upon myself though. When you’re reading a book about death and experiences of those in hospice and their last moments it’s bound to take a toll on you. I feel anchored at the moment. These stories that I have been reading…… I can’t even find the right words. They make my heart ache, literally, but they also inspire me so deeply. I’m in a trance. It’s like walking through dark woods but discovering undiscovered fruit.

It’s so beautiful. These stories. Life amazes me. Humans amaze me. This experience of life is just miraculous and incredibly surreal when I acknowledge it. How is all of this possible? How are there so many patterns? What does it all really mean? Questions we won’t get in this lifetime, I don’t think, but it’s fun to wonder about. I feel chosen in a way.

Sometimes I feel alone in these thoughts. I know I’m not but sometimes it feels that way. How does this world not recognize how insane all of this is. There’s an acceptance I guess, while I’m still asking so many questions and searching for answers. I am one who believes though that world peace is very possible.

But it takes each individual to deeply look inside themselves. To want to better themselves. Swallow our pride and admit our faults. And continue to love and persevere. And you know, some don’t know how to love. There is pain deep in their roots. That is true.

It is up to us however to show them love, that we may liberate and heal those souls who are hurting and hiding. But it’s more than loving, it’s also just listening. Some just want to be heard and understood.

Isn’t that what we all really want?

– m.g.

Dear Readers: I’m Having A Motherhood Moment

I’m currently reading a new read and it’s already making me teary eyed. I rather not share the title. I feel like it’s a bit morbid and possibly triggering. But as I’m reading I put the book down and I just think about how much I love my children. I think about how all my choices have them in mind.

Motherhood changed me.

It wasn’t about me any more, it was about them. I understood how important my role was and whether I am a “good mother” or “bad mother” that I was going to play a huge role in their life.

That’s a lot of pressure. Becoming aware how much I would be influencing my children…. just really stressed me out. And it still does sometimes. I may say or do something and then think, “great, did I just scar my kid.” I knew I was going to make mistakes. And I know I’ll continue to make mistakes. You just hope the good outweighs the bad.

Everything I do now is for my children though. Bettering myself is for them. Even when I go spend time with my friends I do it for them in hopes they will recognize that it’s important to do things for yourself too.

This is a role that I know was meant for me. I’ve known since I was a child really. More than anything I couldn’t wait to become a mother.

Before I was even a mother my worst fear was that I wouldn’t be a mother. How badly I wanted this, but also how much of this yearning felt like a calling. I just knew I needed to be a mom.

I just pray a lot. I try to anyway. I remind myself to pray without ceasing because truthfully I don’t know. I don’t know how this will all play out. I feel like a child in this world with so many questions. How there’s so much beauty but also so much sadness. And the sadness seems amplified when you’re a mother.

I have to trust that everything will be as it needs to be. That it will all be okay. And I do believe that.

My children reveal their innocence to me daily, and how badly I just want to protect them and shield them from the nightmares of this world. However sooner or later the truth will begin to unravel and I know many fears will begin to set in. And that breaks my heart.

I work on my bravery for them. I want to be the best example for them. It’s so hard though. So many answers I do not have. But I just know and believe that if my children have a strong faith and spirituality then they will be okay. They will persevere and they will choose love always.

The only way that may be possible is if I have a strong faith to pass to them. I work on understanding and becoming closer to God so that I may be the one to introduce them to that door that will lead to many beautiful things. I believe so much that our relationship with the high power is crucial in this life.

Do I have my doubts sometimes, of course I do. But my children have doubts in me sometimes too. So am I really any different?

I want to lead them to a life where they feel constant love and assurance. When they are feeling afraid they can close their eyes and pass it to God. I want them to find comfort easily and to develop compassion for all.

So many wishes for my children. I know I’m kind of rambling. But sometimes you just have to share your thoughts and be vulnerable. Admit that your afraid at times and share that you don’t know everything.

How I just want them to know how much I love them, but does a child ever really know how much a parent loves them?

With love,